Thursday, March 14, 2013


Most days I feel as if my words are lost in air. Floating around from ear to ear and not ever ending up the way they should. Or, maybe its that they are words that simply go unheard. The words that people think must be meaningless. Words that mean nothing unless you are me. Sometimes I try shouting, thinking, surely this will help... but again I fail or maybe ignored. Left dangling, with my book of paragraphs from ,my life, I would simply call the book "UNHEARD".

Somday I dream of runnning away, taking off from the madness of my mind. I hate feeling as if I am living in a sea of discontentment. Like at any moment I will drown.I do NOT want such things to effect me in such a big way. I am exhausted by the thoughts. I am exhausted by the struggle. I've spent so long just dreaming of surviving. Now that I have time to think what my true dreams possibily could be , I don't even know what they would be. Some people would say they dream of saving the world, some dream of being a mother, of being a successful lawyer, or a rockstar. There are dreams of driving nice cars, having huge houses that don't even look lived in, or taking vacations that cost more than most average people's yearly income.. what's my dream?

I just wanna be true to my smile. I just want to be happy. BUT what is my happy? Happy is seeing my children smile. Happiness is giving others the smile they deserve. Happiness is a sunny day. Happiness is feeling free.... happiness is knowing nothing is to big for my God.

From who I was in 2011

I'd like to say I have a good excuse for not writing for so long, but I don't. The truth is, I, like most people forget to finish what I start and tend to have so many pressures of everyday life that I forget myself. It's amazing how much life can change when we just start believing in ourselves. In April, I had a huge conviction after leaving a leadership convention that I needed my life to change. It was heavy on my heart as I drove home and I remember sharing with a friend and my husband that night that I felt for the first time in my life that I could give all the problems in my life to God. I had been punishing myself for past sins for so long. I felt like I had to continue to carry them instead of just trusting in god. My friend said to me ' you realize now that you want to change your life that the devil will work twice as hard to beat you down and shake your faith'? I shook my head and said, nope with God on my side, everything is going to be better anyway....( I obvisiously still didn't get the point of handing my cross to Jesus.) About 30 days later I was hospitalized for almost 6 days for a condition that was untreated for 6 months after the first 'episode'. As I lay in a hospital bed, wondering what I would do with my children and having no mobility on my right side.. I questioned him.. "Lord, why have I given you my heart and my mind if you will not do my will, if you can not make the pain of life go away?' 'Lord, why has my life been so much struggle, am I not worthy of your love?' 'Lord, what have I done to deserve such punishment?' I was scared. I was begging for his answers. Suddenly, even though no words would come to my mouth I heard him in my heart. Call it his voice,  my voice, call it whatever, whatever it was has been my saving grace the past 6 months.
You see, I realized in that moment, that it was not my will that god does... it is his. God did not promise me a life without pain. He promised to love me thru it all, he promised to build me up, he died on the cross for me. And there I was, complaining of my pain. I have came to the conclusion that the past 10 years, my life kept falling apart because it was not what god intended for me.
I smiled, (one-sided), knowing that God was in control and I didn't have to be anymore, because I never was anyway.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A blog that probably makes sense to no one but me:) and that's ok

I’m not sure any of us can tell really where our story begins. Some would say that it was a birth that the day we were born our lives began, the story begin with the moment you took your first breath.  I am think our stories begin long before we were born. That it starts with our mothers and fathers, maybe even their parents… maybe even farther than that…. We all have a story. I’m not sure when mine started, although, I find myself a lot of days looking around at certain people, wondering what their story may be. The real story, not the one they tell people, or even the ones that they tell themselves. BUT the true story, not the one that could have been, or may have been, the one that is. When did your story begin?
Don’t you think it’s true that at least half of us go through life living a life we either made up, pretend is fine, or settle for? Maybe over half.  Then, there are people who have done things the “the right way” and are happy and actually living the life they had planned on living.  BUT somewhere in between these people, are the people like me. I guess we all have different ways of making our stories. Different places they started different faces and places in our stories, but really, somehow all our stories intertwine. Somewhere, somehow we are all connected. Our stories just start at different times.
I realized awhile back that my way of making my story hasn’t ever really been the right way. In fact, it’s probably been the complete opposite.  I have done so much the wrong way, I dove right in holding my  breath, praying I would come out alive, thinking maybe it was the right way, knowing somewhere inside it was wrong. It’s been my crazy cycle. Let go, jump in and pray I can save myself or someone loves me enough to save me. So where was the beginning of my story/ where did it start? And what exactly is my point? I think we can agree on one thing about everyone’s story…. EVERY story has trial, error, happiness, struggle, strife, strength, anger, god, sin, chaos, sadness and choice. CHOICE, which brings me mostly to now, I’m living somewhere in the middle of my story, trying like hell to figure out how to make the right choice. Choice…. It really is about a choice. Choices. Battle for good versus evil. Right and wrong. where? when? how many? what time? Everything in life becomes a choice. Including healing, including your future. waking up in the morning, what music you listen to, you lunch, your shirt, your route to work, your good morning to the ppl around you. Our day begins with choice, is filled all day with choice and ends with choice. So, you would think that because we humans are so used to choice it should be second nature... choice...
What if the one thing that changed our life in the beginning could be the one thing that could set us free in the end?  What if the one thing we were afraid of gave of us more freedom? What if the things we are sure won't work would actually, work?? What if choice could just be this easy? I choose to give it to someone bigger... I choose to be ok with walking away and never looking back... I choose to dream bigger, love deeper, pray harder. I choose to be okay with telling you that you changed my life by your choice, I choose to stop pretending it doesn't hurt, that it doesn't hurt me daily, that it isn't something I have held on my back for what seems to be a million years?? What if i chose to give you my burden? The one so big that it suffocates me so much in the middle of the night that I wake up panting because I could have swore that I was running from you, from something that I couldn't bare to hold anymore. WHAT if choice was that easy? What if as I wrote this I didn't have to care about your feelings because I know you don't think about whats been done?
WHAT IF I told myself daily that god was holding it now, what if I chose to lie to myself daily about him holding it, it didn't effect me anymore.. do you think I would start to believe it? CHOICE.

It is a daily thing, I choose to be a good mom, patient friend, loving sister, strong daughter, supportive wife, hard worker.  At the beginning of this I questioned you, when did your story begin? Whether the first thing that comes to your mind was good or bad... it doesn't matter. The beauty of a story is you can rewrite it whenever you want. Sometimes, i think its just best to rewrite it with yourself as a different character's name. Because I know somethings are just the things in life you can never really face... they are bigger than you.... but not bigger than God.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My dance with Anger

I find myself being angry all the time. Almost as if I am it's wife, I am it's best friend. It's holding my hand and swirling me around as if we actaully have something in common. As if I need it to breath.. really I know it's because it won't let me go in fear that it will not be able to breath. Here I am, yet again, having another dance with both my friend and my enemy named Anger.
I realize it takes more energy to stay angry than to let go. AND most days I can be ok, and tell my friend Anger to stop suffocating me... that's what he does... he hangs over my head like one of those mobile things that hang over babies beds.. just spinning around non stop.. waiting to be played with again. There are times i can ignore him for months, there are times i can let him collect dust in the corner or forget him outside in the cold and rain, those are the time I can shine. Those are the times I can feel, the times i can breath. BUT every so often, he will knock at my door, and I forget to ask who it is and he will sneak back into my life.. I open the door just enough for him to grab ahold and remind me why he has been both my friend and my enemy.
I guess reading this i would wonder.. 'how could anger ever be your friend?', well to answer that he was the only thing that kept me moving after leaving certain moments of my life.. he drove me harder and reminded me why I had to keep going forward. He held my hand while I protected my children on a cold January night, he told me to keep going.. SO why now Anger? Why must you hold so tight?
We are raised to dream, our parents tell us, we can be anything we want to be, even president, they say (as I say) you can rule the world if you so choose the right path!! Do we stop to tell them what happens if they go down the wrong path that they might just have to go a different way to their dream?  WE FORGET TO DREAM AFTER A CERTAIN POINT IN OUR LIVES... we forget that maybe, just maybe , our parents were right. Maybe we were destined for greatness. and maybe the only thing holding us back from achieving our greatness, the greatness that god has planned for us, maybe the only thing is ourselves and the fact that CHANGE is not safe. I am angry at change, I am angry i have lost my dream somewhere, I am angry that somewhere along the road, I let stupid people and stupid circumstances slowly take away my dreams... my destiny. AND I am angry at myself for being so damn angry!!
MY dear heavenly father, I know you are telling me something. I know you are tugging at my heart and pulling for the Claire I was destined to be. I know you are shouting in my ear and pleading for me to listen. I want to believe my faith can finally be bigger than my anger. I want to believe that you are here, waiting, no matter how long this journey is taking me. I want to trust and let go. I want to understand why this is such a struggle...why all these things I thought were healed are coming back lord, I want to scream at the top of my lungs lord.. I want to shout that I am most angery at you lord... and that my anger towards you leads to the guilt in me that eats me whole. I WANT TO achieve greatness, I know I am called for that... so why than lord is my friend Anger waiting for me in the darkness again?? I plead for relief from this. I want to live your will lord.. I want to live for your greatness you have called me for.
It has taken me decades of strife to get here lord, please, I beg of you, help me figure out a way it doesnt have to take me decades to find relief from this anger. Life is to precious, to beautiful, to wonderful and short to live with it in my heart.

I am standing in the center of a huge room, its cold and the walls are concrete, they look wet. There are people everywhere around me. They walk past me with smiles on, but no one is smiling at me. Their names are joy, peace, trust , happiness, sadness, fear, love, relief, truth, honesty... (etc) All these strange names walking past me, I spin around looking for someone i know, a friend, or just a familar face. Why are all these people dancing together? and WHY am I all alone? I'm a good person, I have a big heart, people like me, right? where are my friends?  I begin to panic. I rush thru the crowd, searching for something, someone, anything familar, and BOOM I slam right into someone. I fall to the ground. He offers me his hand and I look to see who it was.... as i reach for his hand to get up from the floor, I realize I know him from somewhere... I begin to feel better and more relieved. He helps me to my feet... he grins at me and says 'hey, remember me?' I do, but I'm not sure where from, but I still let him guide me slowly back to the dance floor...As the song changes and the people around as pick up their speed and their movements again he asks me.. ' may I have this dance?'  his hand is still in mine, I realize its been there since he helped me up from falling, I can feel something  pulling the other direction, he grabs tighter, a pleading in his eyes like he needs me..he pulls my hand harder and I shake off whoever it was pulling me away.... As we begin our dance, I ask his name... He says 'it's Anger, I've been waiting on you to come back.'
So here I am, having another dance with Anger. TIME TO CUT THE MUSIC, THIS GUY SUCKS!!!

Sunday, January 30, 2011


It's amazing what we choose to ignore. This weekend I got the pure privelege to hear some amazing men and women speak to over 20,000 people with a few common interests FAMILY, FUN, FRIENDS, FOLLOWING,FREEDOM, FINANCES, and  FAITH. In the past few months god has been knocking at my door. CHANGE has been knocking at my door. Change, I thought I was very familar with. Change of friends, change of lifestyle, change of homes or schools or styles, change how I speak, or what I believe in, change who I trust or my daily routine. This weekend I was challenged. I was truly challenged being surrounded by so many people , positive people who had something I don't, trust in something, drive to be bigger, better, in every aspect of life.

Alot of times we think we can get to a certain place that someone else is in on a different path. BUT when I thought about that I questioned myself... How's that working for you Claire? If I want to end up truly happy, to have a marriage that is truly blessed and not just working because we wing it and love the person we are married to, If I want to be the parent that my children without a doubt deserve, the friend, the sister , the daughter... than why am I not following what is working for the people who are making it work for them. The people who are not just living but who are living BLESSED beyond measure.  The people who are so blessed that even when obstacles come toward them, they do not doubt  themselves, their husband or most importantly GOD'S LOVE FOR THEM!! My husband said to me this weekend, "Hey you know that book you asked me to read a few years back on marriage?"    "Yes" I responded ( of course reminding him he did NOT read it and how much I didnt like that about him.. and he simply responds " Did you know that guy who wrote it has been divorced 5 times?"  Let's all just be honest here, if you are having problems with you marriage, you gonna go to a guy who has been divorced 5 times? OR, are you going to go to people who are living blessed in a marriage surrounded with god in the center? Well, you get the picture?

This weekend as I sat hearing so many powerful words about setting yourself free, and change I began to think.... Have a infact changed? OR am have I just adjusted my life and probably gotten a little wiser? Am I TRULY familar with change or is the TRUTH (the ugly) that I am just familar with running and adapting for whatever I decided to settle on?  I run from my problems in my marriage because it's easier to just expect it to fail. It's what I know, running and being ran from I run from what is TRUTH in my marriage, sometimes all we have to do is look it in the eye and know what we need to do. I run from change in my faith because I know it means giving up certain things that are a blast to me, I run from GOD because he challenges me to trust him and trusting anyone to a full extent scares the crap out of me!! I run from my ugly because if I was held accountable maybe I wouldn't be as great I see myself or more importantly how others see me.

I want to make a difference, I want to be inspired and be an inspiration to people. I can't be that person unless I can stop running from myself. TO be truly happy, to be truly blessed, I challenge you, ask yourself.. see your ugly, do you run or are you stronger than me and facing it head on? Marianne Williamson says it perfect:

                                   it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

                                                             You are a child of God.                            

I can not blame anyone for my struggles, because I know how simple it truly could be to make them better for me. In a world filled with such negativity it is very hard for us to light the way. I don't want to wake up on ANY day and DREAD it. I want to wake up on EVERYDAY and CONQUER it. I have challenged myself to learn how to trust, I can NOT conquer my day without TRUST in my god, and trust in my HUSBAND and the people that surround me. To really change, for me, will be finding a way to break down the wall that surrounds me and  keeps out the wonderful things god wants for me.. like GOD, and a wonderful man who is willing to take a leap with me, a man I don't even give a chance to be his greatest because I can't trust him long enough to let him lead us.

I am sick of running!!! So, heres my ugly for this blog people, I run, I hide, I kick I scream, I think I change because I want to be better not because I am, I push people I love away, for fear of getting hurt, I give advice but I'm crappy at taking it, I critize but get defensive when critized, I yell but hate being yelled out and most of all, I don't trust the 2 people in my life who I should the most. I can not expect to be trusted and be #1 if I have not put them at the top of my list. I want to do that. I want to trust in their love for me. I want to TRUST that life is better than what we are told we have to settle for. I want bigger, better and to achieve something great.... and I will.. after I face the ugly:)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Letting go....

I read somewhere that to begin anew you have to forgive. Forgive not just others but yourself as well. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Not like funny HAHA but funny like, huh, good luck figuring that one out. This blog is my first step to forgiving myself, and others. It's a little crazy, when I know deep down inside me, its simplier than this blog. If I would just trust  in god, trust in his love for me, trust that he will carry my burdens, my sins, the demons that trouble my mind. We all have them, demons I mean. They are the little things in our head that we wish never happened, or we never thought, or we never felt, or never did... sometimes they get the best of us. Isn't it weird, its not hard for me to love god, its hard for me to feel worthy of his love, loving him isnt hard, it's letting him love me. This is my fight, this is my journey to not let the demons that live within us have the best of me or the people I love anymore.
I wanna look back on my life and not wonder why so many things happened to me but thank the people who hurt me for breaking me down enough to build myself so high that I reach heaven. I will not be broken. The part of blog that freaks me out is that everyone sees your thoughts, and you hope you write it well enough that they can actually feel what you felt when you were writing it.  I've been silent a long time... I'm called to have a voice. To tell my story so that someone, whether its 5, 5 million or 1 person may find their voice... or even better dig themselves out of their hole.
I wanna smile with no fear that it will ever go away. With no fear that I will choose to let someone take it from me. Afterall when you think about emotions, really they are our choice. No one can make you feel a certain way, unless you choose to let them. (if only it were that easy) :)

I am 27, a mother of 2 beautiful children, a friend to the best people I know, a daughter to the most unjudgemental, caring, faithful, honest, loving parents in the world, a sister to the most amazing sisters and brother a girl could ask for, a wife to a husband who is sometimes the most clueless man on earth but means well and has the biggest heart I have ever met and I truly adore and love him. I am all these things and more, and most days  are pretty good. Aside from  being constantly busy and there is always someone expecting something from  me, most are good. But than there are the days that letting go feel impossible and I am haunted by so many days from the ugly...This is my journey to let go of my hurt, my burdens, my black eyes, my broken hearts, my lies mine and other people, my choices, my abuse and the abuse from others, the things that suffocate my jaded heart.

See the truth is, before this happy life, before I realized that I actually deserved happiness, I deserved faith, family and friends.. before these days..... well, before these days were the ugly. The biggest and hardest part of moving on, and letting go is facing my ugly.... Looking at our faults, being honest with them, sometimes reliving them, I love myself, I love my life, but I hate that there are things I have hidden so deep in my heart that somedays, somedays the ugly creeps out and reminds me, it will never go away unless I face it and learn to give it to something greater than me. Happiness does NOT lye in the hands of others, it is ours to pursue and the thing standing between me and my true happiness is letting go.... SO this is the beginning of my trying like hell to let go of the ugly so there is more room for all of my good.