Sunday, February 13, 2011

My dance with Anger

I find myself being angry all the time. Almost as if I am it's wife, I am it's best friend. It's holding my hand and swirling me around as if we actaully have something in common. As if I need it to breath.. really I know it's because it won't let me go in fear that it will not be able to breath. Here I am, yet again, having another dance with both my friend and my enemy named Anger.
I realize it takes more energy to stay angry than to let go. AND most days I can be ok, and tell my friend Anger to stop suffocating me... that's what he does... he hangs over my head like one of those mobile things that hang over babies beds.. just spinning around non stop.. waiting to be played with again. There are times i can ignore him for months, there are times i can let him collect dust in the corner or forget him outside in the cold and rain, those are the time I can shine. Those are the times I can feel, the times i can breath. BUT every so often, he will knock at my door, and I forget to ask who it is and he will sneak back into my life.. I open the door just enough for him to grab ahold and remind me why he has been both my friend and my enemy.
I guess reading this i would wonder.. 'how could anger ever be your friend?', well to answer that he was the only thing that kept me moving after leaving certain moments of my life.. he drove me harder and reminded me why I had to keep going forward. He held my hand while I protected my children on a cold January night, he told me to keep going.. SO why now Anger? Why must you hold so tight?
We are raised to dream, our parents tell us, we can be anything we want to be, even president, they say (as I say) you can rule the world if you so choose the right path!! Do we stop to tell them what happens if they go down the wrong path that they might just have to go a different way to their dream?  WE FORGET TO DREAM AFTER A CERTAIN POINT IN OUR LIVES... we forget that maybe, just maybe , our parents were right. Maybe we were destined for greatness. and maybe the only thing holding us back from achieving our greatness, the greatness that god has planned for us, maybe the only thing is ourselves and the fact that CHANGE is not safe. I am angry at change, I am angry i have lost my dream somewhere, I am angry that somewhere along the road, I let stupid people and stupid circumstances slowly take away my dreams... my destiny. AND I am angry at myself for being so damn angry!!
MY dear heavenly father, I know you are telling me something. I know you are tugging at my heart and pulling for the Claire I was destined to be. I know you are shouting in my ear and pleading for me to listen. I want to believe my faith can finally be bigger than my anger. I want to believe that you are here, waiting, no matter how long this journey is taking me. I want to trust and let go. I want to understand why this is such a struggle...why all these things I thought were healed are coming back lord, I want to scream at the top of my lungs lord.. I want to shout that I am most angery at you lord... and that my anger towards you leads to the guilt in me that eats me whole. I WANT TO achieve greatness, I know I am called for that... so why than lord is my friend Anger waiting for me in the darkness again?? I plead for relief from this. I want to live your will lord.. I want to live for your greatness you have called me for.
It has taken me decades of strife to get here lord, please, I beg of you, help me figure out a way it doesnt have to take me decades to find relief from this anger. Life is to precious, to beautiful, to wonderful and short to live with it in my heart.

I am standing in the center of a huge room, its cold and the walls are concrete, they look wet. There are people everywhere around me. They walk past me with smiles on, but no one is smiling at me. Their names are joy, peace, trust , happiness, sadness, fear, love, relief, truth, honesty... (etc) All these strange names walking past me, I spin around looking for someone i know, a friend, or just a familar face. Why are all these people dancing together? and WHY am I all alone? I'm a good person, I have a big heart, people like me, right? where are my friends?  I begin to panic. I rush thru the crowd, searching for something, someone, anything familar, and BOOM I slam right into someone. I fall to the ground. He offers me his hand and I look to see who it was.... as i reach for his hand to get up from the floor, I realize I know him from somewhere... I begin to feel better and more relieved. He helps me to my feet... he grins at me and says 'hey, remember me?' I do, but I'm not sure where from, but I still let him guide me slowly back to the dance floor...As the song changes and the people around as pick up their speed and their movements again he asks me.. ' may I have this dance?'  his hand is still in mine, I realize its been there since he helped me up from falling, I can feel something  pulling the other direction, he grabs tighter, a pleading in his eyes like he needs me..he pulls my hand harder and I shake off whoever it was pulling me away.... As we begin our dance, I ask his name... He says 'it's Anger, I've been waiting on you to come back.'
So here I am, having another dance with Anger. TIME TO CUT THE MUSIC, THIS GUY SUCKS!!!