Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A blog that probably makes sense to no one but me:) and that's ok

I’m not sure any of us can tell really where our story begins. Some would say that it was a birth that the day we were born our lives began, the story begin with the moment you took your first breath.  I am think our stories begin long before we were born. That it starts with our mothers and fathers, maybe even their parents… maybe even farther than that…. We all have a story. I’m not sure when mine started, although, I find myself a lot of days looking around at certain people, wondering what their story may be. The real story, not the one they tell people, or even the ones that they tell themselves. BUT the true story, not the one that could have been, or may have been, the one that is. When did your story begin?
Don’t you think it’s true that at least half of us go through life living a life we either made up, pretend is fine, or settle for? Maybe over half.  Then, there are people who have done things the “the right way” and are happy and actually living the life they had planned on living.  BUT somewhere in between these people, are the people like me. I guess we all have different ways of making our stories. Different places they started different faces and places in our stories, but really, somehow all our stories intertwine. Somewhere, somehow we are all connected. Our stories just start at different times.
I realized awhile back that my way of making my story hasn’t ever really been the right way. In fact, it’s probably been the complete opposite.  I have done so much the wrong way, I dove right in holding my  breath, praying I would come out alive, thinking maybe it was the right way, knowing somewhere inside it was wrong. It’s been my crazy cycle. Let go, jump in and pray I can save myself or someone loves me enough to save me. So where was the beginning of my story/ where did it start? And what exactly is my point? I think we can agree on one thing about everyone’s story…. EVERY story has trial, error, happiness, struggle, strife, strength, anger, god, sin, chaos, sadness and choice. CHOICE, which brings me mostly to now, I’m living somewhere in the middle of my story, trying like hell to figure out how to make the right choice. Choice…. It really is about a choice. Choices. Battle for good versus evil. Right and wrong. where? when? how many? what time? Everything in life becomes a choice. Including healing, including your future. waking up in the morning, what music you listen to, you lunch, your shirt, your route to work, your good morning to the ppl around you. Our day begins with choice, is filled all day with choice and ends with choice. So, you would think that because we humans are so used to choice it should be second nature... choice...
What if the one thing that changed our life in the beginning could be the one thing that could set us free in the end?  What if the one thing we were afraid of gave of us more freedom? What if the things we are sure won't work would actually, work?? What if choice could just be this easy? I choose to give it to someone bigger... I choose to be ok with walking away and never looking back... I choose to dream bigger, love deeper, pray harder. I choose to be okay with telling you that you changed my life by your choice, I choose to stop pretending it doesn't hurt, that it doesn't hurt me daily, that it isn't something I have held on my back for what seems to be a million years?? What if i chose to give you my burden? The one so big that it suffocates me so much in the middle of the night that I wake up panting because I could have swore that I was running from you, from something that I couldn't bare to hold anymore. WHAT if choice was that easy? What if as I wrote this I didn't have to care about your feelings because I know you don't think about whats been done?
WHAT IF I told myself daily that god was holding it now, what if I chose to lie to myself daily about him holding it, it didn't effect me anymore.. do you think I would start to believe it? CHOICE.

It is a daily thing, I choose to be a good mom, patient friend, loving sister, strong daughter, supportive wife, hard worker.  At the beginning of this I questioned you, when did your story begin? Whether the first thing that comes to your mind was good or bad... it doesn't matter. The beauty of a story is you can rewrite it whenever you want. Sometimes, i think its just best to rewrite it with yourself as a different character's name. Because I know somethings are just the things in life you can never really face... they are bigger than you.... but not bigger than God.