Thursday, March 14, 2013


Most days I feel as if my words are lost in air. Floating around from ear to ear and not ever ending up the way they should. Or, maybe its that they are words that simply go unheard. The words that people think must be meaningless. Words that mean nothing unless you are me. Sometimes I try shouting, thinking, surely this will help... but again I fail or maybe ignored. Left dangling, with my book of paragraphs from ,my life, I would simply call the book "UNHEARD".

Somday I dream of runnning away, taking off from the madness of my mind. I hate feeling as if I am living in a sea of discontentment. Like at any moment I will drown.I do NOT want such things to effect me in such a big way. I am exhausted by the thoughts. I am exhausted by the struggle. I've spent so long just dreaming of surviving. Now that I have time to think what my true dreams possibily could be , I don't even know what they would be. Some people would say they dream of saving the world, some dream of being a mother, of being a successful lawyer, or a rockstar. There are dreams of driving nice cars, having huge houses that don't even look lived in, or taking vacations that cost more than most average people's yearly income.. what's my dream?

I just wanna be true to my smile. I just want to be happy. BUT what is my happy? Happy is seeing my children smile. Happiness is giving others the smile they deserve. Happiness is a sunny day. Happiness is feeling free.... happiness is knowing nothing is to big for my God.

From who I was in 2011

I'd like to say I have a good excuse for not writing for so long, but I don't. The truth is, I, like most people forget to finish what I start and tend to have so many pressures of everyday life that I forget myself. It's amazing how much life can change when we just start believing in ourselves. In April, I had a huge conviction after leaving a leadership convention that I needed my life to change. It was heavy on my heart as I drove home and I remember sharing with a friend and my husband that night that I felt for the first time in my life that I could give all the problems in my life to God. I had been punishing myself for past sins for so long. I felt like I had to continue to carry them instead of just trusting in god. My friend said to me ' you realize now that you want to change your life that the devil will work twice as hard to beat you down and shake your faith'? I shook my head and said, nope with God on my side, everything is going to be better anyway....( I obvisiously still didn't get the point of handing my cross to Jesus.) About 30 days later I was hospitalized for almost 6 days for a condition that was untreated for 6 months after the first 'episode'. As I lay in a hospital bed, wondering what I would do with my children and having no mobility on my right side.. I questioned him.. "Lord, why have I given you my heart and my mind if you will not do my will, if you can not make the pain of life go away?' 'Lord, why has my life been so much struggle, am I not worthy of your love?' 'Lord, what have I done to deserve such punishment?' I was scared. I was begging for his answers. Suddenly, even though no words would come to my mouth I heard him in my heart. Call it his voice,  my voice, call it whatever, whatever it was has been my saving grace the past 6 months.
You see, I realized in that moment, that it was not my will that god does... it is his. God did not promise me a life without pain. He promised to love me thru it all, he promised to build me up, he died on the cross for me. And there I was, complaining of my pain. I have came to the conclusion that the past 10 years, my life kept falling apart because it was not what god intended for me.
I smiled, (one-sided), knowing that God was in control and I didn't have to be anymore, because I never was anyway.