LEARNING TO TRUST

It's amazing what we choose to ignore. This weekend I got the pure privelege to hear some amazing men and women speak to over 20,000 people with a few common interests FAMILY, FUN, FRIENDS, FOLLOWING,FREEDOM, FINANCES, and  FAITH. In the past few months god has been knocking at my door. CHANGE has been knocking at my door. Change, I thought I was very familar with. Change of friends, change of lifestyle, change of homes or schools or styles, change how I speak, or what I believe in, change who I trust or my daily routine. This weekend I was challenged. I was truly challenged being surrounded by so many people , positive people who had something I don't, trust in something, drive to be bigger, better, in every aspect of life.

Alot of times we think we can get to a certain place that someone else is in on a different path. BUT when I thought about that I questioned myself... How's that working for you Claire? If I want to end up truly happy, to have a marriage that is truly blessed and not just working because we wing it and love the person we are married to, If I want to be the parent that my children without a doubt deserve, the friend, the sister , the daughter... than why am I not following what is working for the people who are making it work for them. The people who are not just living but who are living BLESSED beyond measure.  The people who are so blessed that even when obstacles come toward them, they do not doubt  themselves, their husband or most importantly GOD'S LOVE FOR THEM!! My husband said to me this weekend, "Hey you know that book you asked me to read a few years back on marriage?"    "Yes" I responded ( of course reminding him he did NOT read it and how much I didnt like that about him.. and he simply responds " Did you know that guy who wrote it has been divorced 5 times?"  Let's all just be honest here, if you are having problems with you marriage, you gonna go to a guy who has been divorced 5 times? OR, are you going to go to people who are living blessed in a marriage surrounded with god in the center? Well, you get the picture?

This weekend as I sat hearing so many powerful words about setting yourself free, and change I began to think.... Have a infact changed? OR am have I just adjusted my life and probably gotten a little wiser? Am I TRULY familar with change or is the TRUTH (the ugly) that I am just familar with running and adapting for whatever I decided to settle on?  I run from my problems in my marriage because it's easier to just expect it to fail. It's what I know, running and being ran from I run from what is TRUTH in my marriage, sometimes all we have to do is look it in the eye and know what we need to do. I run from change in my faith because I know it means giving up certain things that are a blast to me, I run from GOD because he challenges me to trust him and trusting anyone to a full extent scares the crap out of me!! I run from my ugly because if I was held accountable maybe I wouldn't be as great I see myself or more importantly how others see me.

I want to make a difference, I want to be inspired and be an inspiration to people. I can't be that person unless I can stop running from myself. TO be truly happy, to be truly blessed, I challenge you, ask yourself.. see your ugly, do you run or are you stronger than me and facing it head on? Marianne Williamson says it perfect:

                                   it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

                                                             You are a child of God.                            

I can not blame anyone for my struggles, because I know how simple it truly could be to make them better for me. In a world filled with such negativity it is very hard for us to light the way. I don't want to wake up on ANY day and DREAD it. I want to wake up on EVERYDAY and CONQUER it. I have challenged myself to learn how to trust, I can NOT conquer my day without TRUST in my god, and trust in my HUSBAND and the people that surround me. To really change, for me, will be finding a way to break down the wall that surrounds me and  keeps out the wonderful things god wants for me.. like GOD, and a wonderful man who is willing to take a leap with me, a man I don't even give a chance to be his greatest because I can't trust him long enough to let him lead us.

I am sick of running!!! So, heres my ugly for this blog people, I run, I hide, I kick I scream, I think I change because I want to be better not because I am, I push people I love away, for fear of getting hurt, I give advice but I'm crappy at taking it, I critize but get defensive when critized, I yell but hate being yelled out and most of all, I don't trust the 2 people in my life who I should the most. I can not expect to be trusted and be #1 if I have not put them at the top of my list. I want to do that. I want to trust in their love for me. I want to TRUST that life is better than what we are told we have to settle for. I want bigger, better and to achieve something great.... and I will.. after I face the ugly:)

Letting go....

I read somewhere that to begin anew you have to forgive. Forgive not just others but yourself as well. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Not like funny HAHA but funny like, huh, good luck figuring that one out. This blog is my first step to forgiving myself, and others. It's a little crazy, when I know deep down inside me, its simplier than this blog. If I would just trust  in god, trust in his love for me, trust that he will carry my burdens, my sins, the demons that trouble my mind. We all have them, demons I mean. They are the little things in our head that we wish never happened, or we never thought, or we never felt, or never did... sometimes they get the best of us. Isn't it weird, its not hard for me to love god, its hard for me to feel worthy of his love, loving him isnt hard, it's letting him love me. This is my fight, this is my journey to not let the demons that live within us have the best of me or the people I love anymore.
I wanna look back on my life and not wonder why so many things happened to me but thank the people who hurt me for breaking me down enough to build myself so high that I reach heaven. I will not be broken. The part of blog that freaks me out is that everyone sees your thoughts, and you hope you write it well enough that they can actually feel what you felt when you were writing it.  I've been silent a long time... I'm called to have a voice. To tell my story so that someone, whether its 5, 5 million or 1 person may find their voice... or even better dig themselves out of their hole.
I wanna smile with no fear that it will ever go away. With no fear that I will choose to let someone take it from me. Afterall when you think about emotions, really they are our choice. No one can make you feel a certain way, unless you choose to let them. (if only it were that easy) :)

I am 27, a mother of 2 beautiful children, a friend to the best people I know, a daughter to the most unjudgemental, caring, faithful, honest, loving parents in the world, a sister to the most amazing sisters and brother a girl could ask for, a wife to a husband who is sometimes the most clueless man on earth but means well and has the biggest heart I have ever met and I truly adore and love him. I am all these things and more, and most days  are pretty good. Aside from  being constantly busy and there is always someone expecting something from  me, most are good. But than there are the days that letting go feel impossible and I am haunted by so many days from the ugly...This is my journey to let go of my hurt, my burdens, my black eyes, my broken hearts, my lies mine and other people, my choices, my abuse and the abuse from others, the things that suffocate my jaded heart.

See the truth is, before this happy life, before I realized that I actually deserved happiness, I deserved faith, family and friends.. before these days..... well, before these days were the ugly. The biggest and hardest part of moving on, and letting go is facing my ugly.... Looking at our faults, being honest with them, sometimes reliving them, I love myself, I love my life, but I hate that there are things I have hidden so deep in my heart that somedays, somedays the ugly creeps out and reminds me, it will never go away unless I face it and learn to give it to something greater than me. Happiness does NOT lye in the hands of others, it is ours to pursue and the thing standing between me and my true happiness is letting go.... SO this is the beginning of my trying like hell to let go of the ugly so there is more room for all of my good.