I read somewhere that to begin anew you have to forgive. Forgive not just others but yourself as well. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Not like funny HAHA but funny like, huh, good luck figuring that one out. This blog is my first step to forgiving myself, and others. It's a little crazy, when I know deep down inside me, its simplier than this blog. If I would just trust in god, trust in his love for me, trust that he will carry my burdens, my sins, the demons that trouble my mind. We all have them, demons I mean. They are the little things in our head that we wish never happened, or we never thought, or we never felt, or never did... sometimes they get the best of us. Isn't it weird, its not hard for me to love god, its hard for me to feel worthy of his love, loving him isnt hard, it's letting him love me. This is my fight, this is my journey to not let the demons that live within us have the best of me or the people I love anymore.
I wanna look back on my life and not wonder why so many things happened to me but thank the people who hurt me for breaking me down enough to build myself so high that I reach heaven. I will not be broken. The part of blog that freaks me out is that everyone sees your thoughts, and you hope you write it well enough that they can actually feel what you felt when you were writing it. I've been silent a long time... I'm called to have a voice. To tell my story so that someone, whether its 5, 5 million or 1 person may find their voice... or even better dig themselves out of their hole.
I wanna smile with no fear that it will ever go away. With no fear that I will choose to let someone take it from me. Afterall when you think about emotions, really they are our choice. No one can make you feel a certain way, unless you choose to let them. (if only it were that easy) :)
I am 27, a mother of 2 beautiful children, a friend to the best people I know, a daughter to the most unjudgemental, caring, faithful, honest, loving parents in the world, a sister to the most amazing sisters and brother a girl could ask for, a wife to a husband who is sometimes the most clueless man on earth but means well and has the biggest heart I have ever met and I truly adore and love him. I am all these things and more, and most days are pretty good. Aside from being constantly busy and there is always someone expecting something from me, most are good. But than there are the days that letting go feel impossible and I am haunted by so many days from the ugly...This is my journey to let go of my hurt, my burdens, my black eyes, my broken hearts, my lies mine and other people, my choices, my abuse and the abuse from others, the things that suffocate my jaded heart.
See the truth is, before this happy life, before I realized that I actually deserved happiness, I deserved faith, family and friends.. before these days..... well, before these days were the ugly. The biggest and hardest part of moving on, and letting go is facing my ugly.... Looking at our faults, being honest with them, sometimes reliving them, I love myself, I love my life, but I hate that there are things I have hidden so deep in my heart that somedays, somedays the ugly creeps out and reminds me, it will never go away unless I face it and learn to give it to something greater than me. Happiness does NOT lye in the hands of others, it is ours to pursue and the thing standing between me and my true happiness is letting go.... SO this is the beginning of my trying like hell to let go of the ugly so there is more room for all of my good.