Alot of times we think we can get to a certain place that someone else is in on a different path. BUT when I thought about that I questioned myself... How's that working for you Claire? If I want to end up truly happy, to have a marriage that is truly blessed and not just working because we wing it and love the person we are married to, If I want to be the parent that my children without a doubt deserve, the friend, the sister , the daughter... than why am I not following what is working for the people who are making it work for them. The people who are not just living but who are living BLESSED beyond measure. The people who are so blessed that even when obstacles come toward them, they do not doubt themselves, their husband or most importantly GOD'S LOVE FOR THEM!! My husband said to me this weekend, "Hey you know that book you asked me to read a few years back on marriage?" "Yes" I responded ( of course reminding him he did NOT read it and how much I didnt like that about him.. and he simply responds " Did you know that guy who wrote it has been divorced 5 times?" Let's all just be honest here, if you are having problems with you marriage, you gonna go to a guy who has been divorced 5 times? OR, are you going to go to people who are living blessed in a marriage surrounded with god in the center? Well, you get the picture?
This weekend as I sat hearing so many powerful words about setting yourself free, and change I began to think.... Have a infact changed? OR am have I just adjusted my life and probably gotten a little wiser? Am I TRULY familar with change or is the TRUTH (the ugly) that I am just familar with running and adapting for whatever I decided to settle on? I run from my problems in my marriage because it's easier to just expect it to fail. It's what I know, running and being ran from I run from what is TRUTH in my marriage, sometimes all we have to do is look it in the eye and know what we need to do. I run from change in my faith because I know it means giving up certain things that are a blast to me, I run from GOD because he challenges me to trust him and trusting anyone to a full extent scares the crap out of me!! I run from my ugly because if I was held accountable maybe I wouldn't be as great I see myself or more importantly how others see me.
I want to make a difference, I want to be inspired and be an inspiration to people. I can't be that person unless I can stop running from myself. TO be truly happy, to be truly blessed, I challenge you, ask yourself.. see your ugly, do you run or are you stronger than me and facing it head on? Marianne Williamson says it perfect:
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
I can not blame anyone for my struggles, because I know how simple it truly could be to make them better for me. In a world filled with such negativity it is very hard for us to light the way. I don't want to wake up on ANY day and DREAD it. I want to wake up on EVERYDAY and CONQUER it. I have challenged myself to learn how to trust, I can NOT conquer my day without TRUST in my god, and trust in my HUSBAND and the people that surround me. To really change, for me, will be finding a way to break down the wall that surrounds me and keeps out the wonderful things god wants for me.. like GOD, and a wonderful man who is willing to take a leap with me, a man I don't even give a chance to be his greatest because I can't trust him long enough to let him lead us.
I am sick of running!!! So, heres my ugly for this blog people, I run, I hide, I kick I scream, I think I change because I want to be better not because I am, I push people I love away, for fear of getting hurt, I give advice but I'm crappy at taking it, I critize but get defensive when critized, I yell but hate being yelled out and most of all, I don't trust the 2 people in my life who I should the most. I can not expect to be trusted and be #1 if I have not put them at the top of my list. I want to do that. I want to trust in their love for me. I want to TRUST that life is better than what we are told we have to settle for. I want bigger, better and to achieve something great.... and I will.. after I face the ugly:)